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Spokesman Red/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW We've all seen the big airports with the fancy remote control hallways that come out and sit against the door of the plane so that you can get in and out without the rain soaking your free pretzels. Well, hey, I'm thinkin', wouldn't it be great to have something like that at home? So I've attached this sewer pipe to my porch here and it can swing around thanks to the handyman's secret hinge. But when it's not in use, these bungie'll hold her off to the side, so that the local residents can get access to the front door. See, I don't do much air travel, so this is the only chance I get. It's not that I'm afraid of taking an airplane, it's more that the travel agent is afraid of taking my cheque. But when it gets to be quittin' time, and the weary traveller returns home from another day of seeking gainful employment, his vehicle will push up against this canadarm, which will simultaneously activate the remote control entranceway. Something like this. All right, now, make sure you go with a brand new sewer pipe when you do this because, I tell ya, the used ones, just way too slippery. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a meal to catch. Oh boy. [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪♪♪ ] thank you very much. Appreciate that. Well, after 30 years of givin' it a real good try, I am finally prepared to admit that it is impossible for a normal guy with limited resources to make an affordable submarine. Coincidentally, I am now selling a 1974 chevy van. She's only 10 bucks. If you wanna test drive, you better bring your scuba gear. Uncle red, uncle red! This is so great, this is so great. [ cheers and applause ] what is it, harold? Got this letter here. A major corporation wants you to do ads for them. Oh! Yeah! You mean like be a spokesman? Spokesperson! Aw -- get with the times, uncle red. You should never identify anybody by their sex. Well, you've proven that, harold. Anyway... You'd get endorsement fees and free samples. Wow! Yeah, it's part of a high profile line of products. You could be like the next, uh, martha stewart. But with dignity. Yeah, more like ronald mcdonald. Yeah! You know, I can't tell you what the line of products are, because this deal hasn't been signed yet. So I can't tell you the company, okay. So don't try and get it out of me coz I can't do that. That would be unethical. So don't... Oh! You're so good! Okay, I'll tell ya. Oh, harold, harold! Can you back off on the saliva?! I'm gettin' swimmer's ear. Try again. [ inaudible ] well, I drive one -- shhh shhh shhh! Don't! Stop it! All right, sorry. You're gonna ruin everything. The deal hasn't been signed, you'll just kill it right off by doing that. Don't even. All right, all right. Boy... They want you to do commercials too. Ah, geez, harold, I dunno about that. All you have to do is smile. You see, there's always a catch. No, the ad features you in a hot tub with six models. Audience: Whooooooooo! You don't mean like model airplanes, do you? No! No, I don't. No, I don't. Fashion models, hired for their looks. Male models? No! Female models. Female human models? Yes! Trust me on this. When you see these six healthy, young, 20-something models, you know, in their... Thong bikinis... You're gonna know they're women. [ shudders ] all right. And all I have to do is smile? Well, you might have to shave too. No, no no no. The beard stays on, harold. I meant your back. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is a coupon from betty's pleasures and crafts and pleasure crafts. Oh, it's a good one too. A one-year supply of calendars. Okay, dalton, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... All right, winston. And go! Okay, dalton, um, the opposite of married. Happy. Okay. Okay. Okay. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind, okay? A guy is no longer married... Congratulations! No, no, no, I'm talking about like the marriage is over. He's not married anymore so now he's... Broke? No, no, that's not -- okay, when someone's marriage is finally, finally over. It takes -- sometimes it takes years. It's all over. But that means you are now legally... Insane. No, no. Your sister-in-law and her husband, they were married, until they got... Oh hoho, the results of the paternity test. Uh, almost outta time, red. Okay. Oh, I know, dalton, remember that waitress, lucy down at the tavern. Oh ho ho ho! She got... Caught. Yeah! And every one of those guys is divorced! Welcome to the experts portion of the programme where we address those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! Heehehee! Okay, and here's today's letter... "dear experts... "I'm thinking about having my body cryogenically frozen at my death "so that I might be revived in the exciting world of the future. "what do you think?" ah, don't do it. I mean, you're gonna wake up with an ice cream headache that'll knock your socks off. Meh, it's not that bad. You've had your head frozen, hap? You know, that would explain a lot. Yeah, I dabbled in cryogenics when I was at harvard. Hap, if you went to harvard, I went to yale. So did I! I said "yale," not "jail." I didn't go to harvard. I was there as a consultant in cryogenics. Walt disney was funding the project and he wanted me in on it. Hap, are you telling us that walt disney was a personal friend of yours? More like a business partner. I was the one who convinced him to go to four fingers instead of five on all of his cartoon characters. Cut his costs by 20%. Walt was one of the first to try cryogenics. Nobody knows where the body is. Oh yeah, he's at the port asbestos arena... Disney on ice. Um, I'm not sure if I understand what cryogenics is. Oh, don't encourage him, mike! They stop your heart, and then they immerse you in liquid nitrogen, and then in the future they bring you back to life and fix whatever's wrong with you. Yeah, like, say, freezer burn. So would you advise that it would be a good thing for this viewer? Well, nobody's ever done it, so we don't have any results. Could be risky. Oh, for sure. Like a couple of years ago old man sedgwick had his assets frozen... Now he walks with a limp. So I would advise that this viewer should proceed with extreme caution. Well, you're right there, mike. It's also, you know, best to let some things lie. That's what we do with hap! You ever seen these automatic coffee makers that have the timers so you can wake up to the smell of fresh coffee? You know what I call that? Nice try. Coffee's not enough. You can't just have coffee for breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day. For a lot of people it's the last decent meal they'll have until lunch. Wouldn't it be better if you could use the technology of clocks and timers to have your whole breakfast prepared before you're even awake? Well, if you didn't think so, you probably wouldn't be watching this show. Okay, the first thing you wanna get is another coffee maker. I would suggest you go secondhand. It's cheaper and we're gonna pretty much void the warranty anyway. Tale the coffee pot outta there and replace it with a small fry pan and set her right down on the heading element, coz that's where we're gonna do all our cookin'. But we need the food to get there at the right time. And how are we gonna do that? Like clockwork. You can get rid of the extra coffee pot. We don't need that anymore. Too strong for ya? I had to re-jig the alarm clock a little bit so instead of a little hammer ringin' those bells that's the cause of so many broken broken windows. I took the bells right outta there and replaced them with a coupla eggs. This here is just an old school ruler that I was supposed to use on my geometry, but instead the teacher used it on my backside. And now it becomes the sausage feeder for my automatic breakfast machine. Just gotta put a counter weight on this end, which will start the toaster once the sausages are in the pan. A lotta coordination needed here. But I think we're good to go. I set the coffee maker and the alarm clock for 7 a.M., and I customized the cuckoo clock, so now it'll only go off at 7. Now I just have to move the whole unit to the kitchen. You're probably wondering why I didn't just build the thing in the kitchen. Well, that's because you don't know my wife. I'm not allowed to do projects in the house ever since I did that valve job on the dining room table... During dinner. [ clock ticking ] [ alarm ringing ] [ cuckoo cuckoo ] I was listening to the radio the other day, and they played our song. The song they were playing when bernice and I met. It's funny how sometimes a song can define a relationship, eh? Like, harold's song is, alone again. And dalton and ann marie's song I believe is who's sorry now? But for bernice and I it's bluebirds over the mountain by the king... That's right, ersel hickey. Remember ersel hickey? Boy oh boy oh boy. But the one they played on the radio just now was by like some cover band. I mean, what is with that? I mean, it wasn't ersel hickey at all, it was just like a no name. Holy cow. I mean, bernice and I, we want the real thing! Especially when it comes to hickeys. What is with these guys? Why would they redo a perfectly good song and do it badly, huh? I mean, I sometimes do my own version of stuff. I might take a couple of ping pong paddles and weed whacker and make a ceiling fan out of 'em, but by golly, I would never disrespect a classic musical rendition like ersel hickey did in bluebirds over the mountain. So if there's any musicians out there, for heaven's sakes, there will never be another ersel hickey! Get over it! Start makin' your own nostalgia and keep your cotton pickin' hands off mine! Thank you very much. Remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together. Call rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services coz one in the can is worth two in the bush. Well, I spoke to my wife bernice about the hot tub photo with the models. She's okay with it as long as I keep my clothes on. I said, you know, I can't control what the women wear or choose n-not to wear. If they decide to go al fresco on this thing, I mean, I might see something that I'm maybe not supposed to see. She said, no problem, but she kept my glasses. I'm not worried about that. I still got a 20/20 imagination. Okay, all set here, uncle red. All right. Well, let's just this. Where do you want me? Right there on that stool. All right. Okay. All right, just look into the camera and smile naturally if you could do that for me. But where are the, uh -- okay, good! All done. All done? But where's the hot tub full of hunnies, harold? Uh, in colorado. C'mon, uncle red. It's all digital now. Get with the times. Everything's right here in my computer. What?! Yup, look at this. Just move you here... There you are! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, can I do something like that with your head? Oh yeah! Go! Go! Go! Go! Okay, I'm gonna need a stock picture of a horse, though. Rear view. Hey! [ chuckling ] red: A bunch of us going on a camping trip there. Had the tent trailer and just uh -- guess we'll take this spot. But we noticed almost immediately that the tent trailer seemed to be missing. And then there's walter there, but I don't think he's got it. Then a big argument as to who didn't hook it up properly. Just relax. Good news, guys. Good news, it followed us. Okay, seemed to have picked up a few clothes on the clothesline and so forth along the way. But that's a good spot right there, so while we're there, we'll just set her up right where she is. That's kinda a neat -- oh, and walter collected one of those garden gnomes. Picked up one of those, he likes those. Of course, mike and dalton are anxious to get at the food. They've been travelling for over 10 minutes now. So dalton's helping mike into the unit. Then he leans back, and of course... Hahaha, I found that -- I didn't find that funny though! So I say, get the heck outta there. That's not how it works, guys. Now, go -- everybody go to a corner. Coz there's a leg on each corner of these units. They pull out and they snap down. They telescope out and they hold the thing totally level. Now, do that with all four. Do that with yours there, dalton. His was kinda rusted solid there, so he gave her just a little too much foot energy. Okay, great. Luckily, dalton always has a plan. Now, mike's was really wedged on there, and it wasn't even moving with the hammer, but he figures we're not gonna use that hammer that much this weekend, so... And then walter's corner, there's nothing there at all. But then he spotted the other -- I always wondered what those things were for. There we go, perfect. Okay, now, get all the clothes off there. This is one of these hi-low tent trailers. You just turn the crank, and up comes the whole unit, see? So stand back, guys, and just watch this. So I start cranking -- no, just wait, just wait. Be patient. She goes up pretty good. And, uh, they're tryin' to wait, but it's just killin' them. They're tryin' to get at those sandwiches and what have you. They just can't wait the whole time, so they just start climbing in before she's gone to her full elevation. And of course what happens is she gets a little tighter as you get near the top, and she snaps off right in my hand... And the whole thing collapses. Well, now the three of them are trapped in there, but first of all check to make sure they're okay. Yeah, they're fine. Just get mike out the others will probably have time to wriggle there. No, nah nah, he's kinda locked in there. Then I think -- I'm thinking, boy -- yeah, I've got a cordless drill in the van. I could hook that up. I'm showin' the guys. They're not even inter -- they don't care how I'm gonna do it, just do it, just do it! So I hook her up to the axle -- then I had her goin' the wrong way. Then I just reversed that. And then away we go. And dalton go out no problem. And mike got outta there okay. But walter was little slower, and then -- she came down hard and I thought if I can wedge like a paddle in there that would stop the drill -- whoa! And I've never seen a tent trailer compress this far. It was just -- but luckily the cooler seemed all right. And we just had to check the sandwiches yeah, looks good, looks good. We're good, we're good. Oh yeah, walter. Here, have a sandwich. Happy camping. Got a bit of a crooked floor here, and it's makin' the game of pool a real challenge. So I'm trying to level it with this spirit level and the do-it-yourselfer's guide to home improvement. Okay, now we got two options. Either get another copy of the book, or get creative. Let's see what a real man does. A true handyman is like water, he finds his own level. [ applause ] well, now that the whole photo session is done, I'm okay to talk about the deal. I am now the official spokesman -- person -- thing -- whatever they call it, for dodge, which means I'm lookin' at a new truck. And it better not be digital. Uncle red! Uncle red! The proofs are here. Which is advertising talk for samples. Oh yeah, I know. Is it a shot of me driving a shiny new van, harold? No no, it's just you and the girls and the hot tub. Wow! Are those real, do you think? No! Those teeth are capped. I don't see any product. Where's the product? It's inferred. It's under the water. There's a truck in the hot tub? A truck? Why would there be a truck? Oh no! I see your confusion. Yeah, the company is pronounced "dodge," but it's spelled d-o-j. They're swedish. So they don't make trucks? No, they make adult diapers. [ possum squealing ] I'm sorry. It's meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. But nobody's to find out about this, okay? Absolutely. Okay, great thanks. [ laughter and applause ] okay, if my wife is watchin', I'll be comin' straight home after the meeting. I have great news... Um, the next time we go to the movies I'll be able to watch the whole thing. And to the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] have a seat. Sit down, sit down, sit down. Sit down over there. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right, men, there's probably been some misinformation going on about what's in these boxes. Actually a special new product from, uh, sweden, and it's for very quick boat repairs. Hides leaks. [ ♪ ]